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Giambi admits, "Blue Kool-Aid Man has destroyed my life."
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New York Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi admitted today that he played last season under the influence of blue Kool-Aid. Amidst the steroid revelations of Ken Caminiti and Jose Canseco, Giambi's admission is yet another sign of the rampant use of performance enhancers by baseball players looking for an artificial advantage in the game.
Blue Kool-Aid is widely known among gym rats as a muscle builder used to add "an edge" to workouts. The U.S. Army originally designed Blue Kool-Aid during the Cold War for the purpose of creating a race of super soldiers out of America's GI Joe-watching youth. However, the beverage was mysteriously taken off supermarket shelves in 1982, amidst several reported incidents of children spontaneously combusting in playgrounds. Blue Kool-Aid was never officially blamed for the deaths.
However, the beverage remained available to the public only as a prescription impotence drug until the mid-1990's, when Pfizer's introduction of Viagra made blue Kool-Aid obsolete as a hard-on inducer. The last batch of the drink was manufactured in 1997, and several million cases are still believed to be circulating across the continent.
Giambi admits that Blue Kool-Aid played a key role in his transformation into an MVP. "I'd start drinking it after a full day's workout, and all of a sudden I'd be hyped up for more lifting and running. There is just no way my body would have gotten as big as it was while I was taking blue Kool-Aid."
According to Giambi, he has stopped using blue Kool-Aid. The player claims he is coming clean with the hopes of bringing public awareness to the brutal after-effects of blue Kool-Aid use. "You don't understand the full consequences of using this stuff until it's too late," explains the first baseman. "I have to wear a sports bra everywhere I go now," he laments without explanation. "Plus, I've been told by doctors that I have just 2 months before I start looking like Drew Carey. There's no way to stop it. Man I wish I was Michael J Fox!!!"
Giambi notes that his first experiment with blue Kool-Aid came while vacationing in Mexico. "I was sitting in my hotel room in Tijuana, when all of a sudden, this giant fat blue guy came crashing through the wall with a huge smile on his face. He called himself The Kool-Aid Man.' I don't think that was his real name, but that's what I called him."
According to Giambi, he and the Kool-Aid Man worked out a system that would give him a continuous supply of the blue stuff. The dealer inconspicuously trailed behind the A's during road trips, and he dealt blue Kool-Aid out of his van to Giambi and other A's. During homestands, Kool-Aid Man slept at Giambi's guest house. "He was a very clean-living guy and seemed to always be followed by school children wherever he went," notes Giambi. "But don't let that fool you. This guy destroyed my life."
Federal officials interviewed off the record for this piece acknowledge the existence of Blue Kool-Aid man, who is apparently a rogue NSA agent and the mastermind behind creating the beverage. "Not many people understand that this guy is Blue Kool-Aid," explains one official, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "He's gotten so big that the government knows where he is but just can't take him down. It would mean admitting they're responsible for this evil beast's existence. They'd rather he just be a myth."
According to Giambi, blue Kool-Aid use is rampant in the majors. "At least 93% of all baseball players take blue Kool-Aid." With the Kool-Aid man unstoppable, and the Players Union unlikely to give into testing for the beverage, one only hopes that players learns something from seeing Giambi deteriorate into a fat geek with horn-rimmed glasses.
This seems unlikely, however, as many are already in denial about blue Kool-Aid use and rebuke Giambi's claims. "Ain't no one taking blue Kool-Aid," explained the retired Mark McGwire, whose valet was helping him hold up his large man boobs.
"Ahhhhhh!! Ahhhh!!!!" came the screams from Sammy Sosa, who ran through the brick wall in Wrigley Field's outfield after a reporter posed a question about blue Kool-Aid. "He just needs his steroids," explained teammate Fred McGriff. "It has nothing to do with Kool-Aid."
A more revealing denial came from one star on a New York team, who chose to remain anonymous for this story: "Look, I've slept with half the players in this league, and not one of them has had a blue tongue,"
Clearly, the players' blue wall of silence will not be torn down anytime soon.
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