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Mike Piazza says, "I'm not gay."
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SOUTH BEACH, FL – Former tennis star Martina Navratilova announced today that she is in fact a heterosexual woman. "I have to thank Mike Piazza for giving me the courage to make this announcement," said Navratilova, referring to the All Star catcher's recent revelation that he is not gay.
"Mike had the courage to stand up and tell everyone that he was straight. Now that I've confirmed the same, I feel as though a heavy burden has been lifted off of me. Maybe now that I've come clean, I can get some of those sponsor deals and broadcast gigs that I've been missing."
Navratilova was accompanied by fitness guru Richard Simmons, to whom she referred as "my soul mate and life partner." Simmons too had a few secrets to reveal. "I'm just like Mike – I love girls!" he cried, before curiously breaking out into show tunes and bouncing around in his hot pink bicycle pants.
The two celebrities held hands and clenched their teeth in joy as photographers took pictures of them. At one point, Simmons could be heard muttering "You're hurting me," before pulling his hand out of Navratilova's grasp.
As entertainment's new couple left the stage, a line of sponsors and network executives stood throwing money at them out of giant garbage bags. "It's good to be straight," Simmons could be heard cooing, before stepping into Navratilova's 1982 Dodge Dart. "Thank you Mike, thank you."
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