Major League Baseball fans are seeing fewer home runs this year, and the Commissioner isn't happy. "Buddy wanna see more boom boom," explained Commissioner Bud Selig, drool dripping down his chin at a press conference to announce some drastic new measures. After noting "we're gonna test the wee wee," Selig conceded the floor to League doctor Hans Gruber.
"We are going to begin testing players for urine," noted Gruber, a former doctor/dealer to the WWF/WWE. "Anyone found to excrete less than a 99% concentration of ephedrine, MetRx, androtestosterone, and/or stacker 2 will be suspended." The new procedures follow alleged player violations of a once secret Selig edict requiring players to pump up and pop pills.
"Anyone who is found to have more than one percent of the natural components of urine – urea, creatinine and uric acid – will be found in violation of League rules and suspended until his piss conforms to our requirements," added Dr. Gruber. "The power numbers in the League cannot drop."
Some players, however, may prefer to take the suspensions over living like drugstore cowboys. "I'm afraid of the repercussions of all these supplements on my health," explains Milwaukee Brewers slugger Richie Sexson. "My liver is so swollen, it sometimes hangs out of my ass," said the sobbing player. "I have to pop it back in after each at bat. Bud Selig is to blame and no one else."
Dodgers outfielder Shawn Green is upset with how the mandatory supplements cause him to violate the tenets of his Jewish faith. "They're not kosher," he notes. "And I don't know how, but my foreskin has grown back."
Selig seemed completely oblivious to the players concerns. "You smash balls, I buy shiny things," he could be heard screaming at every player he saw at a recent Yanks-Twins game. While some see his actions as signs that the commish is on a rapid mental descent marked by dementia, at least one person was optimistic. "I can see it now ... YankeeRx," said George Steinbrenner, holding a sample pinstriped can of supplements. "Me and Buddie can make this work."
Luscious Rosenbaum notes that the Yankees special supplement helped them hit 5 homers in 9 at bats Sunday night.
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