QUEENS, NY – In an effort to simultaneously "improve our mascot situation," and further anger NL East general managers, the Montreal Expos traded star players Vladimir Guerrero, Javier Vasquez and Jose Vidro to the New York Mets for mascot Mr. Met and several Shea Stadium vendors to be named later.
The move comes just one week after anonymous members of the Atlanta front office publicly complained about favoritism on the part of Expos GM Omar Minaya, a former Asst. GM with the Mets, who allegedly ‘gave' relief pitcher Scott Strickland to his old team. At a press conference held at Olympic Stadium, Minaya scoffed at new accusations that he gave away his star players.
"In due time, you will all see that this move was made with the Expos' best interests in mind," explained the Montreal GM. "Yesterday, we were a team with a crappy mascot. Today, we will be led onto the field by Mr. Met, a proven leader. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon our fans will all come back to Olympic Stadium. Mr. Met gives us instant credibility and is a sign of a winning team."
While Guerrero and company seemed happy about the trade, those heading to Quebec were visibly depressed. "I'm not gonna fit in," lamented Mr. Met. "I mean, my name is freakin' Mr. Met! I don't speak French! I bathe! These people aren't going to learn to love me." Making matters worse for Minaya's reputation are reports that Mr. Met is in fact older than orignally reported. "So he did some work for the Giants and Dodgers before the Mets came along. It's no big whoop," scoffed the Expos GM.
The most heart breaking story in the trade, however, is that of Miguel Samuel, who is believed to be one of the vendors to be named later. "How am I going to commute to Montreal from Corona, Queens? I will have to live in squalor just so that I can rent an apartment there" On a positive note, however, the move will separate him from his family, who Samuel routinely beat with a giant foam hand after he came home from work each night.
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