CENTURY VILLAGE, FL – In an attempt to dominate the back pages of New York newspapers for another year, the New York Yankees today signed retired Boston Red Sox Hall of Famer Ted Williams.
"Mr. Williams has been signed to a minor league contract, with the promise he will be given a chance to make the major league ball club," explained GM Brian Cashman. Williams will play in the Tapioca League, named after both its players' diets and the consistency of their muscle mass.
The League readies very few major leaguers on account of its slow pace and lack of challenging competition: players use foam bats and balls. In addition, rather than running from base to base, Tapioca League rules allow players to just look in the direction of each base. Since several Tapioca Leaguers have wrenched their necks in the past, turning one's head is to look at the base is completely optional.
When asked whether Williams may be endangering his health by returning to the game, Cashman noted that Tapioca League umpires all are trained EMT's who carry defibrillators. "Ted will be fine as long as he doesn't look for his old team in the standings," the GM explained.
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