NEW ORLEANS, LA – Frustrated by their recent misfortunes, several NFL players have started their own fantasy league in which they keep track of their pretend-selves statistics for the 2001 season, a news source in New Orleans has reported.
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Above: Cigarette & coffee stained results from the fantasy league, week 14.
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Edgerrin James, Fred Taylor, Ed McCaffrey, Jamal Lewis and Jamal Anderson are among the participants of "Ultra Fantasy League 2001," a league founded by the injury-riddled Taylor.
Every Sunday, UFL players gather at The White Dove Methodist Church in New Orleans, where they watch all the games on big-screen DirecTV, make lovely hors d'oeuvres and pate, and exchange thoughts on how well they think they would be doing that particular day. Fantasy points are won by thinking, and are kept on Dungeons & Dragons-style game cards.
"This is what I would have been doing if I were healthy," said Edgerrin James, sipping a mimosa. "Probably about 110 rushing yards, 2TD's." "The Falcons' defense ain't all that." Five points.
"Yes, Edgerrin, I do believe you have a good point, there," replied Ed McCaffrey, munching on a jalepeno popper. "If I were playing, Denver might be in the (expletive) playoff hunt by now, and I would've had 12 receptions, 150 receiving yards (versus the Chiefs), easy today." McCaffrey then sunk into his folding chair, eyes distant. Two points.
The nice church ladies play bingo and sing choir songs in the next room over from the boys each Sunday, and they have lots nice to say about them. "That Edgerrin James is such a nice boy," said Doris Levenstein, 82. "He and I have both been wondering why God gave him his injury."
Troy Aikman, the league's quarterback, said that the UFL is a much-needed emotional outlet, not for just players befallen by injury, but for players who believe they still should be playing. "(UFL players) like myself; like Drew Bledsoe, who lost his job to that kid Brady; and Jeff George...who just plain sucks, but we feel bad for him."
Fred Taylor believes that his UFL will continue to be successful well into the new millennium. "With all of this crazy genetical engineering shit, people will be getting bigger and faster and stronger, and lots o' more people will be getting hurt. Who knows...maybe can be bigger than the actual NFL some day."
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