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RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC – Tom Travolta, a formerly devout Christian Scientologist and recent convert to the Taliban school of thought, has changed his name to comport to his new faith. "I am now ‘Duma Barstard,' not ‘Tom,'" he explained at a press conference in downtown Raleigh-Durham.
The move was in conjunction with Barstard's joining the ranks of Taliban mullah, Brian-Deed Onrival. "When Brian-Deed told me he could write his own name, I felt so close to him. I thought, this man must know the answers to the world's great mysteries!" explained Barstard.
Most expect Barstard to fit right in with Onrival. "He can't read or write, and he once beat a man to death for taking a picture of him, claiming that he had ‘stolen my soul,'" explains Barstard's promoter Don King.
Barstard looked like a proud believer at the conference, which was also marked by his receipt of the money winnings for his defeat of local boxer James Diggs. "Ha, ha, I win money for you mullah," he giggled into a microphone, while holding a giant check written out for three dollars.
"Whatever you may think of him, the man clearly has a code and philosophy in life: to have as little communication with reality as possible," continued King, while holding a garbage bag full of money. "I wouldn't promote his fights if he wasn't the kind of man he is."
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