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Come one come all, to the greatest auction ever to grace the sports world!! Check out our fantasy auction -- there’s something here for everyone.
Item: Mark Chmura t-shirt
Opening bid: $9.99
Description: Purchased in K-Mart by a teenage Chmura groupie, this heavily stained shirt is the perfect keepsake if you’ve got a grandma who roots for the Pack.
Item: Saliva Drenched Umpire Cap
Opening Bid: $45.00
Description: The high opening bidding price on this item can be attributed to its unique history: it contains the saliva of players Carl Everett, Roberto Alomar, and Jorge Posada.
Item: 1999 Topps Pete Rose Baseball Card, Where “Rose” is misspelled as “Banned”
Opening Bid: $5,000
Description: We’re sure some baseball commish had something to do with this card getting made.
Item: Montreal Expos, National League Baseball Team
Opening Bid: $2,500
Description: Do not take the posted opening bid at face value. The Expos owner is willing to negotiate and will even entertain interesting trades in lieu of cash.
Item: Sebastian Janikowski audiotape
Opening Bid: $3,000
Description: This is believed to be the only existing tape of Raiders kicker Janikowski speaking coherently and not under the influence of any foreign substance.
Item: Marv Albert false teeth
Opening Bid: $200
Description: Here they are, the infamous dentures that forever changed Marv’s mark on the world of sports and some fugly chick.
Item: 2003 Ford NASCAR edition coffin car
Opening Bid: $400,000
Description: With the rising cost of funerals and the increase in NASCAR deaths, this specially customized black racer doubles as a coffin. It has a nice smooth silk cloth interior and the roof has a flap that can be opened for viewing of the deceased. Pepsi promises to assume $20,000 of the debt if you put its logo on your hood and die no lower than in 15th place.
Item: Piece of Eric Lindros’ brain in a jar
Opening Bid: $5.00
Description: Blown out of the one-time Flyers center’s nose during one of his many concussions, this piece of gray matter comes in a pickle a jar and looks great on most fireplace mantles.
Item: Wilt Chamberlain lab report
Opening Bid: $32
Description: Issued when he was 43, and confirming that Wilt the Stilt was clear of all VD, this document belongs in the anals [no sic] of basketball groupie history.
Butch Rogaine has offered his slobber covered pillow cases up for auction on E-bay.
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