June 19, 2001

Issue #5

A Tangled Web of Intrigueô

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New Subway Series Controversy: Mets Mascot Claims "Zimmer Beaned Me"

New York CityóThe Piazza-Clemens matchup may not have materialized in the latest incarnation of the Subway Series between the New York Yankees and Mets. Nevertheless, there was still evidence of bad blood -- when Yankee bench coach Don Zimmer allegedly struck mascot ĎMr. Metí in the head with a baseball.

"The umpire was asking the Yankee bat boy to get a loose baseball near their dugout off of the field," said Mr. Met. "Then Zimmer called the boy and asked him for the ball. Piazza was at bat against Ramiro Mendoza, and I could tell that Zimmer wanted to hit him with the ball."

Unfortunately for Mr. Met, Zimmerís throw was three feet too wide and well short -- it missed Piazza by 90 feet. Instead, it hit Mr. Metís gigantic head, which itself resembles a baseball. "Heís going to pay for this!" cried Mr. Met. "The throw knocked one of my eyes loose."

Already being hailed as the greatest meetings of minds ever! These two, however, are not in the same league.
Dershowitz Uecker Zimmer Mr. Met

Mr. Met has filed a $2 million lawsuit in the Southern District of New York. He will be represented by famed mascot lawyer Bob Uecker. "I havenít seen injuries this bad since Mr. Belvedere premiered," commented the former Brewers catcher. "My client needs a new eye. He is a laughingstock among those in his profession. Mr. Met can no longer appear in uniform without facing the ire of other mascots and the teamís fans. We will demand full restitution for his physical and mental distress."

Zimmer will be represented by washed up jurist Alan Dershowitz.

Staff Writer Butch Rogaine has unnatural urges for Mascots. Last week he spent time with the Philly Phanatic.

June 19, 2001

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