May 29, 2001

A Tangled Web of Intrigue

Issue 2

Funny Tagline
Published Weekly

A Little Piece of the XFL Survives

It appears that Vince McMahon's XFL was not a complete waste after all. Executives at Fox Sports, in conjunction with the NFL, are experimenting with several of the XFL's technological innovations - as well as its own new ideas -- in preparation for the 2001 football season. Among the things viewers can expect to see:

1) The Ass-Cam: Several players will wear small cameras on their rear ends. Fox Sports execs have been secretly gushing about the possibilities: "If we put a camera onto the center's ass, we can show the quarterback's crotch during each snap." The innovation is sure to attract the homosexual 25-38 audience as well as the 'still unsure' 13-24 crowd.

2) On-field microphones that feed into stadium PA systems and can be heard by television viewers. "The XFL originally used these mikes to broadcast the quarterback shouting signals, but we'll put our own spin on it. Instead of the QB, we'll find a different rowdy fan for each quarter and give him a microphone to wear. We expect many extraordinary live television moments as a result."

3) Infrared camera lenses: The entire fourth quarter will be viewed through lenses sensitive to human body heat. "This wasn't used by the XFL, but we think that the best way for fans to have a full experience of the game is to see the body heat emanating from each player and coach."

4) Hulk Hogan and the Iron Sheik will join Fox' broadcast crew. "They may not be Madden and Summerall yet, but the XFL (and ABC) were onto something good when they decided to use announcers who knew absolutely nothing about football. The announcers will make viewers more attentive to what is going on, because they can't find it out from the guys on television."

5) Alyssa Milano on the sidelines. "We'll have her stalking the lines in a tight leather jumpsuit. This wasn't in the XFL either, but it is in the spirit of the now defunct league. We don't really care if she interviews anyone, so long as she looks good." (1-800-Collect Proudly Presents)

In a related note, Fox has decided to develop primetime vehicles around some of the XFL's former employees. Among them:

1) Everyone Loves Jesse: Jesse the Body Ventura is a nuclear physics professor who must juggle his job with a family of 4 rowdy kids while secretly working for a gay escort service.

2) Cheerleaders: Assorted former XFL cheerleaders accompany police officers in a COPS-like reality show.

3) The Weakest Stink: Game show in which contestants must continuously pass wind and then judge who is the weakest stink..

Staff Writer Luscious Rosenfeld loves a good ass lickin.

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