A Tangled Web of Intrigue


Issue #11

Pete Rose Enters Hall of Fame

August 7, 2001

CooperstownHit King Pete Rose finally got his wish this weekend: he became a Hall of Famer by legally changing his name to Tyrus Raymond Cobb. Rose, known as ‘Pete the Gambler’ during his playing days, was kicked out of baseball several years ago when it was learned that he bet on baseball games while managing the Cincinnati Reds.

Above: Cobb answering allegations that he really is Pete Rose.

     The banishment prevented the all time leader in hits from being inducted into the Hall of Fame, and supplied sportswriters with plenty of material for epic articles such as “Breaking the Rules Is No Reason to Ban Pete Rose” by Peter Gammons and “We Invented Baseball, Let Pete in the Hall,” a collaboration by an assortment of writers. The controversy surrounding Rose’s ban led most sports writers to two conclusions: 1) Rose should be allowed in the Hall and 2) O.J. was not guilty.

     Nevertheless, Rose still spent many years trying to be inducted into baseball’s shrine. Two months ago, he finally resigned from making attempts to having his given name placed on a HoF plaque. Instead, Rose entered a courthouse in the tiny Georgia town of Cuzzinskiss and successfully petitioned to have his name changed to Tyrus Raymond Cobb, reminiscent of the late great Tiger hitter.

     Rose then began walking around Cuzzinskiss in sharpened cleats, speaking in a Southern twang, and kicking homeless people on the street. “Most folks just thought he wuz John Rocker’s pappy,” said Cletus Wilson, a local Cuzzinskisser. “Then he’d keep yellin’ what sounded like ‘I’m Black Rob, I’m Black Rob.’ Some thought he wuz the rapper Black Rob, others thought he wuz a pirate. Then we finally understood his accent, and that he thought he wuz Ty Cobb.”

     At first, the under-educated townspeople thought Rose was indeed a resurrected Cobb, coming back from the dead to wreak havoc on them. However, when a tourist visiting his cousin recognized Cobb, the media was alerted, and both Major League Baseball and the Hall took immediate action.

     “Under no condition will the man formerly known as ‘Pete Rose’ be allowed to benefit from his new name. We will petition to have the original Tyrus Raymond Cobb’s name changed to Albert Schweitzer. In addition, we will replace every occurrence of Cobb’s name with the new name, including his birth and death certificates and any baseball cards, plaques, and other objects that come into our possession.”

     Representatives of humanitarian Albert Schweitzer’s estate declined comment other than to report that they have begun proceedings against Major League Baseball, and plan to change their names to ‘Major League Baseball.’ MLB has filed a counter-suit against the misappropriation of its name.

Reported by Willie P Ondabich, Written by Butch Rogaine, Copyedit by Warren Spahn.
Willy P. Ondabich
now lives under the name Wendy Selig, but assumes no responsibility for the Milwaukee Brewers awful play. Butch Rogaine has changed his name to Donnie Moore, but he refuses to feel guilty for any of the Angels’ playoff losses.

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