Issue #9

All Star Game Moment Revealed: Clemens Responsible for Lasorda's Tumble

July 17, 2001

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A Tangled Web of Intrigue

+By K-Cebo

SeattleThe blink of an eye. That's all it took for Roger Clemens to race out of the A.L.'s first base dugout, grab Vladimir Guerrero's splintered bat and hurl it at Tommy Lasorda, standing in the third base coach's box.

Above: Undisputed evidence of Clemens brutal attack.

Using the latest in technology and stop-motion video capture, was able to uncover the unfortunate, but nevertheless funny, incident that occurred in the sixth inning last Tuesday night at Seattle's Safeco Field.

Clemens, standing on the top dugout step, pounced on Guerrero's bat as it entered the on-deck circle. Staring at the paunch Lasorda, he let loose, remaining on the field for a brief moment to admire his work. Anonymous sources in the Yankee (American League) clubhouse suggest that the scrutiny of national television and an argument with manager Joe Torre proved to be too much for Clemens, leading him to the attack on Lasorda, long-time mentor and godfather of Mets All-Star catcher Mike Piazza.

Clemens and Torre allegedly disagreed over how to pitch Piazza, with the wily Texan hoping for the green light to throw high heat. However, the Rocket ultimately gave in to Torre's demand to avoid further controversy and pitch the catcher low and away in the second inning. "I told Roger if I had to hear one more thing about this fucken blonde bitch Piazza, I was sending him to the bullpen," Torre finally admitted.

Above: Lasorda played the role of pinata, as Clemens waited for candy to spill out.

In an interview with TF writer Butch Rogaine, Clemens denied that he and Torre had any disagreement. "Butch, there was no argument with Joe about how to pitch Mike. I hate that god-damned asexual asshole, but not enough to jeopardize my chance at a 6th (Cy Young) Award and 300 wins by hitting him on national TV."

The Rocket's story changed when TF showed replays clearly indicating his involvement. "Oh, that bat. I thought it was a log of salami. Tommy loves it when you throw him food. Once me and my kids went to Seaworld and saw him just gobbling up food thrown by spectators."

However, comments made by Clemens' wife, Doris, suggest a completely different intent. Doris Clemens admitted to Rogaine that "Roger has a fragile ego and resents the fact that Piazza was chosen over him to do the Claritin commercials." When later confronted with the remark, Clemens grabbed his bat and left the interview.

K-Cebo Satashi works only for the greater glory of

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