May 29, 2001 

A Tangled Web of Intrigue

 Issue 2

Funny Tagline
Published Weekly

Knicks Forward Mulls Retirement

     Las Vegas---Plagued by a career of back ailments, New York Knicks forward Larry Johnson is considering retirement.. Johnson, who once anchored the UNLV Running Rebels and later forged the colorful identity of "Grandmamma" as a Charlotte Hornet, is coming to grips with the toll that playing has taken on his body.

     "Basketball [sic] is a way [sic] of life for me [sic]," said a statement authored by Johnson and issued by his public relations coordinator.

     "Although [sic] the [sic] back spasms [sic] keep recurring [sic] and the anti-inflammatories [sic] aren't all that effective, I [sic] have to consider whether I [sic] am mentally ready to retire." There are many questions [sic] I have to ask myself."

     Johnson's statement indicated a hesitance to leave the roar of the crowd – many of whom call him ‘daddy.' "Being in an arena [sic] and on national [sic] television [sic] is the only realistic way I have of being in front of lots of my kids. Once [sic] I retire, hell most of them will never see or hear of me [sic] again."

     Johnson has, however, outlined several post-career options he will consider. Among them:

          1) "I would [sic] like to put my ability to make symbols with my [sic] arms to good use by teaching sign language to [sic] blind-deaf kids with no limbs.

          2) He would consider becoming Charles Barkley's personal trainer because "Charles' ass is so big that people sometimes forget [sic] that Charles [sic] and his ass are actually the same man. I once saw Bryant [sic] Gumbel [sic] try to interview Charles' ass outside of the Early Show studio. It was sad. The ass [sic] would just flap [sic] about in the wind while Charles' attention was a foot away, concentrating on a hot dog stand. The worst is when Jim Gray tries to pry information from Charles' ass. That boy [sic] never knows when to quit."

     When told of his forward's possible plans for the next year, Jeff Van Gundy admitted that the latter of Johnson's goals was a worthy one. "For most of this year, I was fooled into believing that Charles' ass was a midget waterboy named ‘Dick' You could imagine my humiliation when I realized that I kept saying "excuse me Dick," to Charles' ass while trying to walk off the floor after a tough loss of a game covered by TNT."

          3) Finally, in Johnson's own words "Spree's pitbulls need feeding."

Staff Writer Butch Rogaine covers the Knicks way too much because they're easy to make fun of.

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