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Kobe Receives Honorary
Associate’s Degree

Issue #5

A Tangled Web of Intrigue

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Palo AltoOn the heels of helping his team win a second NBA championship trophy, Lakers guard Kobe Bryant had yet another honor bestowed upon him. Last night, Bryant received an honorary Associate’s Degree in Psychology from Palo Alto Junior College.

     "We think that in light of his accomplishments in the fields of sports and psychology, Kobe is the best possible recipient for this honorary degree," said Palo Alto Junior College Dean Scott Baio.

     "Kobe was not just a valuable cog in the Lakers’ 4-1 Finals victory over Philadelphia, but also a great proponent of and contributor to our psychology major at Palo Alto," noted Dean Baio. He was referring to Kobe’s plea in Nike commercials that "everyone should be their own psychologist."

     "After that commercial, admissions grew and many people told us they were taking psychology on the advice of Kobe. Sometimes people fail to recognize how impressionable young minds are – especially the ones who go to our great academic institution."

     Although it may take the average PaloAlto student five years to complete an Associate’s Degree, no Palo Altites interviewed for this article found anything wrong with a high school graduate receiving it.

     "Kobe is a psychologist man, he says so on the commercials. He’s overqualified for this degree," said Thomas Smith, 35, who started his current tenure as catcher on Palo Alto’s baseball team back when Mike Scioscia was still behind the plate for the L.A. Dodgers.

     Bryant clearly began to believe his own hype in a bizarre episode this afternoon. The Laker guard grabbed a notepad, scribbled on it and began sending members of his posse to redeem the slips at assorted CVS and Rite Aid stores in the Beverly Hills area.

     "The slips said stuff like ‘valyum’ and ‘dope’ on them," said officer Carl Kushner, Beverly Hills P.D. "The situation is under control. We’ve already warned Mr. Bryant that his Associate’s Degree does not make him a psychologist. Furthermore, he now knows that only psychiatrists and other trained medical professionals may prescribe drugs."

     When reached for comment Kobe expressed hope that a third championship will ‘make me a psychiatrist.’

Staff Writer Luscious Rosenbaum holds an honorary Phd from Avon-upon-MaryK Community College.

After receiving his degree, Kobe took the streets of L.A.
Kobe fails to grasp that an associates degree is not a license to kill
Kobe exclaims: "I got him"

June 19, 2001

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