June 19, 2001


Issue #5

A Tangled Web of Intrigue

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Jennifer Capriati to Wed Toothless Hillbilly

Wheeling-After a surprise come back in the world of tennis, Jennifer Capriatti has announced her engagement to toothless hillbilly Billy Joe Bob Seth MacGregor.

     "Call me Billy," MacGregor told TwistedFans when asked why he has such a long name, "One of those guys was my daddy, and I always liked Billy best. He was the purtiest."

     The engagement comes as a surprise to many longtime Capriati watchers. Most didn't know she was dating a guy who played the banjo for a jug band.

     "What can I say?" Capriati said with a blush, "Billy makes me squeal like a pig and I'd be stupid to let a catch like him go."

     News of the engagement spread like wildfire through the tennis community. Rumor has it that many of Capriati's fellow players among women are now in the market for more sons of the soil. The Williams sisters in particular are said to be interested in a pair of hillybilly brothers, according to TwistedFans contributor, the guy with the aluminum foil hat. While Anna Kournikova is reportedly in a love tryst with The Big Lebowski.
(Anna Says: "He's My Dude")

     The wedding is to be held soon, as soon as MacGregor's kinfolk can all be informed of his engagement, which is expected to take some time as many live in areas with no electricity or much contact with the outside world.

Staff Writer Razor Witt loves his mama.

June 19, 2001

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