Issue #11

A Tangled Web of Intrigue

August 7, 2001


Mets Dump Leiter for Banana


QueensThe New York Mets pulled the biggest stunner of the season by sending two time All-Star pitcher Al Leiter to the Montreal Expos for a nice, ripe, juicy Chiquita banana.

Chiquita, the newest Met.

    The Mets, who placed Leiter on waivers Sunday evening, would not allow the Expos to claim him until they agreed to give up the banana.

    "This trade, although clearly not a product of long-term thought and planning, will immediately fill a more pressing need for the Mets," said Mets' general manager Steve Phillips at a press conference.

    Reasoned Phillips: "I wanted to have a banana today."

    Immediately after the press conference, Phillips took a chartered jet back to his private bungalow in the Hamptons, where, at about 9 p.m.,  the gift-wrapped banana arrived via FedEx Air Mail courtesy of the Expos.  Phillips quickly unwrapped and devoured the banana in a moment of sheer, wanton delight.

    “That banana served a very obvious short-term purpose, and although it’s sad to see Al go, I'm sure he understands that this ballclub has basic needs, just like any other,” said Phillips, licking his fingers after eating the Mets' newest member.  Leiter, when reached for comment on the deal, said quietly: “Shoot me. Please just shoot me now. Shoot me.”

    Expos' general manager Jim Beattie on the transaction: "During one of our early trade talks over lunch, I actually half-jokingly offered (Steve) my hot turkey sandwich for the 'phenom' shortshop Rey Ordonez.  Steve laughed, but then this very serious, pensive look came over his face.  I think I must have got some wheels turning up there."

Below: (1) Leiter after learning his fate; (2) Genius Steve Phillips

    By dumping Leiter, the Mets free up nearly $9.75 million in salary cap room for the 2002 season.  What do the Amazin's plan on doing with that cash?

    “That's easy, the same thing we've been doing," said Phillips. "We will buy a new player, and then pimp his soul for the future of this organization, which never comes."

    Phillips then vomited from food poisoning.

Willy P. Ondabich bet Dennis Rodman that he couldn't swallow a banana whole; banana reported in satisfactory condition.

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