K-Cebo goes on the Offensive Against Celebrities and the Media Who Derogate What it Means to be a Sports Fan



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Issue #56

TwistedFans.com self-appointed media critic K-Cebo Satashi is mad as hell and he just isn't gonna take it anymore:

Matthew Perry, during an ESPN Espy promo, stated: "I'm just a stupid fan."

     From celebrities to the Media, the message is clear: SPORTS FANS are STUPID, SPORTS FANS are BORED WITH THEIR LIVES, SPORTS FANS are LONELY. Shut the Fuck Up you PATHETIC shell of men. ESPN, Matthew Perry, Peter De Jonge -- Shut the Fuck Up.

"I'm Just a Stupid Fan"

     During a recent ESPY promo that ran constantly on ESPN, entertainment celebrities were quoted saying a variety of inane things, but something irked me when Matthew Perry, of Friends Fame, said: "I'm just a stupid fan."  I've been meaning to call ESPN on this one for broadcasting it and Matthew Perry for speaking it.  Why did those five words keep repeating themselves in my head. Here's the 5 reasons why:

5. "I" - Do I give a fuck if Matthew Perry or any other celebs watch Sports. No. I watch sports because these are real athletes performing at their best day in and day out, not some overpaid piece of shit actor who can't make me laugh or cry, but only vomit.
4. "I'm Just" -
meaning "I'm only" (not problematic)
3. "I'm Just a Fan" -
meaning outside of television, meaning in the realm of sports he's simply a spectator or an admirer of athletes, quite possibly in awe of their skills, and quite possibly rising to the point of a fanatic, someone who roots wholeheartedly for his team and its players  (again, not problematic)
2. "I'm Just a Stupid Fan" -
meaning he's relegated to the legions of drooling, neanderthalic fans (whether in sports or entertainment) whose only lot in life is to pine away and wish that they could be their idol, neither a fanatic, spectator or admirer, but rather a screaming, hyper-ventilating teenage girl whose just spotted Justin Timberlake
Because ESPN aired this clip

     By the way, when did ESPN make the decision that the best way to market product to sports fans was by calling us stupid and pathetic losers?

Televised Sports is a Vast Repository of Male Loneliness

     Peter De Jonge in a recent NY Times Magazine article writes that "Televised sports is a vast repository of male loneliness." It's fucking ridiculous that he projects his experience of watching sports onto the mass of sports fans. Maybe he'd have a different opinion of it if he'd had another experience of sports viewer-ship, maybe if he had a few guys to hang out with or if he could keep a steady girlfriend.

    And Peter, just as an aside, sports fans don't dislike Tim McCarver because they can't handle his "insight and prescience", but rather because HE FUCKING SUCKS!  No one wants to listen to this man talk. PERIOD! End of fucking sentence.

     Mr. Bozack would like to add that McCarver "is always right" and nevers ceases to second guess and belabor a point to death.

Sportscasters: for Bored American Males, the Next Best Thing to a Life

Mr. Lonelynights
Marty Umans

A recent New York Times Magazine headline featuring ESPN's Rich Eisen: Sportscasters: For the fraternity of the bored American male, they are the next best thing to a life.

Subtitled: Who cares about the game? How sportcasters evolved from experts to baby sitters for a nation of lonely guys.

     I'm running out of steam, so you'll just have to trust me that I was going to berate and belittle Peter De Jonge and the New York Times a bit more for publishing an article with so many derogatory ways of describing life as a sports fan.   

     But for now, I'll just emphasize the importance and power that we, as consumers, have...so do me a favor and the next time some celebrity, writer or sportscaster calls you stupid or lazy or pathetic for being a sports fan--- turn off the TV, put down your magazine or click off your computer and remember if you turn them off and tune them out, then they'll be the real pathetic lonely, loser with no job to speak of.  In the meantime, the most we can hope for some of these is an appearance in Bankruptcy Court or on the next episode of E's "True Hollywood Story" or Inside the NFL's "Where are they Now."

A Word About TwistedFans.com

     TwistedFans.com is an independent (from media conglomerate, like Disney or AOLTW, control), not- for-profit, sports humor and entertainment website.  As purveyors of the highest quality sports humor on the free market, TwistedFans.com puts extraordinary time and effort into our work for your enjoyment.  We are a dedicated team of unpaid authors and artists, who peddle (at no cost to you) sports parody, humor and satire to a legion of readers, and whose only compensation is the smile or laugh that we elicit from our loyal supporters.

K-Cebo Satashi writes on the life and times of being an American sports fan for TwistedFans.com
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