Williams Family Met With Assortment of Possibilities for Ted's Remains

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Issue #54

John Henry says, "Anything goes to make a buck off daddy."
Like a long line of delegates waiting to meet the Pope, hordes of entrepreneurs and self proclaimed advertising gurus from around the world filled the home of John Henry Williams with an assortment of proposals for the remains of his father. TwistedFans.com correspondent Butch Rogaine took a survey of the crowd and summarized the most intriguing ideas:

Topps Summer of Ted Baseball Card Promotion
Conceived of by the same people who wanted to shred a Babe Ruth bat and put it in assorted packs of baseball cards, this campaign would put the ashes of Teddy Ballgame into one out of every 1,000 packs of Topps Baseball Cards. Anyone who opens a pack containing the cards and Williams remains earns a trip to Hawaii. In a tie-in with NBC's Fear Factor, any person who eats the entire contents of the pack gets a Geo Metro.

Win Ted Williams' Money!
British game show in which a petrified Williams is removed from his cryogenic freeze for one hour per episode. During this time, host Joe Cocker asks contestants a series of questions about the Queen Mum, the British Empire, and English cuisine. The person with the most correct answers is allowed to search one of Williams' pockets, with the hopes of hitting the one that has been stuffed with money by the producers before the show.

Amen in the Ramen:
Brought to you by the ramen noodle makers of Nissin, this Japanese campaign aimed at the country's youth focuses on the spiritual nature of the Japan's people. A select number of flavor packets will be "enriched" by the essence of Williams. The promotion is expected to increase consumption of the product by youngsters with dreams of becoming like Ted (or "Red" as he is known in Japan).

Where's Ted?
Produced by the Children's Television Workshop, this educational program would teach pre-schoolers to distinguish objects, by having them locate the stiff Williams among such groupings as 1) the crowd at the Today Show's street level studio, 2) the Detroit Tigers bench, 3) the cast of Sesame Street, and 4) the latest group of Afghan citizens mistakenly killed by U.S. troops. The show's slogan sums it up: "You don't realize how much your kids will learn."

Animal Planet's Steve and Ted
Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin would now have a partner to help him and his wife tangle with the mighty crocs of Australia. While Ted would probably be a burden on Irwin at first, he could also help slow down any crocodiles chasing after the wily Aussie. Closing credits would include a video montage of the pair running from a rabid kangaroo and, in a light moment, Irwin attempting to stick his head in Williams' mouth.

and last but not least ...

Ja Ted
Jamaican Aston Marley (no relation to Bob) says there is an entire audience of people just dying to start a cult around a figure such as Ted Williams. Marley proposes creating a shrine in Amsterdam that would hold Williams' remains. His company "Ganja Tours" would then take people from all around the world to the shrine, where they could light up and celebrate Williams' life.

Butch Rogaine
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'Project Samuel' imagines cloning Ted Williams, something Ted's son apparently imagines, too.

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Project Samuel, Chapter 27

Teresa Cordero had become comfortable with Roysten MacDonald and Dr. Sanchez, and after being accepted into the surrogate program, she was treated as royalty.

A tentative date was projected for the placement of a surrogate embryo in her uterus, although the actual procedure in the lab had not yet begun. Under the guise that she would be carrying an infertile couple's child, Teresa anxiously awaited the laborious clinical tests needed for the future intrauterine instillation of the developing embryo. Dr. Bradshaw of the fertility clinic, in collaboration with the other scientists, had retrieved an "extra" Vicky Palmer egg from the freezer in the reproductive physiology laboratory. The Palmers had no knowledge of this devious act. It would undergo the microinjection of the isolated DNA extracted from the hair in a vial labeled T.W.; a sample of which E. Royston MacDonald had acquired from the Rizzo collection. The DNA had been isolated by Dr. Johnson in the forensic lab downtown and transferred to the lab at the fertility clinic in La Jolla. The two "T.W." vials from different years matched in DNA sequencing. The dates were years that Ted Williams played for the Red Sox. It was naturally assumed that they contained his hair clippings and follicle cells in both vials, although there was no definitive proof of the supposition. Even if it was not Ted's sample, the DNA was from the same person. Since Joe Rizzo had told MacDonald that he used to cut Ted Williams's hair, the cloning team felt that it could be none other than Ted's hair in those vials.

With Ted Williams in his 80s and living in Florida, the only proof that the DNA from the vials was his from 40 years ago would be to compare the results to a current sample of DNA. MacDonald knew that it was out of the question. He had no way to do that. The plan was secretive and unknown to the outside world, including Ted's family. They could easily research his blood type, but that would not help in comparing his DNA of today with that of the vials in question.

Project Samuel which was written by J.P. Polidoro, can be purchased through Amazon.com