Cubs' Sosa Refuses to Endorse Milk on Principle

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Issue #54

Sosa won't admit that it's his drinking problem that keeps him from drinking the moo juice.
Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa today refused an offer from the American Milk Council to don a milk mustache and endorse moo juice. "I can't advertise to public someteen dat I don't use," said Sosa.

"Other athletes lie to their fans and sell tings dey don't really try. Sammy not lie to fans. Sammy never drink milk," said the hulking Sosa. When someone suggested Sosa drink a glass of milk, so that he could appear in the ad with a free conscience, Sosa grew angry. "Who do you think you are? My pappi?! You are not my pappi!!!"

He then attempted an obscene gesture by grabbing his crotch, which only resulted in a prolonged search for his genitalia. After consultation from his agent, Sosa finally just pounded on his chest with his hand and told everyone that he loved them.

Luscious Rosenbaumhas learned that Milk will show up positive for bovine growth steroids.

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