Mike Hampton Found 
Alive in Hotel Room



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Issue #53

     Colorado Rockies pitcher Mike Hampton was found alive in his Los Angeles hotel room this morning, when his team's front office summoned a bell hop to check on him. Attendant Jimmy Todd used his master key to enter the room, where he found Hampton, dressed in boxer shorts and an "I Love Guns" t-shirt. The pitcher was lying on his bed, alive and well, watching television while placing grapes into his belly button and catapulting them into his mouth.

     According to sources close to the team, players and management were concerned that Hampton was going to make his next scheduled appearance against the Dodgers. "He really sucks, and his teammates were hoping maybe he wouldn't be ‘available' to pitch, if you know what I mean," said the source. "And management would probably kill to get rid of his contract."

     The Rockies took the field later that day, when Larry Walker made a startling announcement. With his entire team standing behind him and tears welling in his eyes, Walker told fans that "the game is going to be played tonight, and Mike Hampton is going to be pitching for us. We ask that you please pray for the Colorado Rockies organization."

     Dodgers fans began cheering the announcement and Hampton, as the pitcher trotted onto the mound in the bottom of the first inning. "Our club is just totally staggered, I mean, devastated," said manager Clint Hurdle, unable to explain why Hampton was pitching for his team.

     Before and after the game, a rare win for Hampton, the team employed grief counselors to help players cope with the anxiety of standing on the same field as the pitcher. "It's ok," psychologist Brenda James told first baseman Todd Helton. "You can't control what Mike Hampton does, and even Mike Hampton usually can't control what he does. Just worry about your own play on the field."

     Helton, his eyes glazed, walked away with his head hanging, trying to understand why fate had put him on the same team as baseball's worst pitcher. As a courtesy, he later called Hampton's family, and told them the horrible news that the pitcher was in fact alive and heading back to his hotel room.

     "It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do," Helton told reporters. "No one should ever have to make that call."

Butch Rogaine
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