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Issue #52

Some believe the octopus that killed Bowman was avenging the death of its spawn [shown here after being repeatedly speared by nervous teenager].
The life of Scottie Bowman met its tragic end today, as a giant octopus attacked and consumed the Detroit Red Wings coach. Bowman's amazing death comes just days after his retirement from the game in which he so excelled as a leader and strategist.

According to Bowman's wife, Doris, the coach was at the couple's home when tragedy struck. "Scottie was sitting in our kitchen, reading the paper and eating Fruit Loops out of the Stanley Cup. All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. So I open the door, and this giant octopus slithers in."

"It's my time, he's come for me," said Bowman to his wife. The sea beast then took the coach, who apparently expected the visit, and was already wearing a yellow rain coat and cap. As Doris Bowman attempted to stab, shoot and mutilate the octopus, it dragged its prey toward a frozen lake behind the couple's home.

Several bystanders saw the octopus, which had Bowman wrapped around one tentacle and Lord Stanley's Cup around another. They attempted and succeeded at prying the Cup away from the octopus, but could not save Bowman.

Based on police reports made public to the press, bystanders called law enforcement officials, who attempted several dives about one hour after Bowman and the octopus had initially submerged into the lake's murky depths. Sheriff Earl Frazier admits that attempts to rescue Bowman may have been more successful, had rescuers not taken turns emptying bottles of Pepsi into the Cup and drinking from it.

"Hey, how many times am I gonna get to drink out of the Cup?" said one deputy, on the condition of anonymity.

In his eulogy for the former coach, Red Wings player Igor Larionov kept reiterating "No matter what you hear, Russian mafia not kill Scottie for quitting early on Russian players. They not bribe locals and Butch Rogaine with money so he would make up story. Octopus really kill Scottie. Octopus swallow him and go to lake. Bye bye Scottie, Igor miss you."

Butch Rogaine may not be strong enough to take candy from a baby, but he's certainly smart enough not to admit taking it from the Russian Mafia.
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