French National Team Holds Strike Against World Cup



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Issue #51

Zidane speaks with his lawyer regarding the removal of all hotel soaps and foreigners from the 2002 World Cup.
BUSAN, SOUTH KOREA – Unable to deal with their poor World Cup showing to date, players on France's national soccer team have decided to boycott all of their remaining tournament matches. In a makeshift press conference held after their tie against Uruguay, French players cited as major complaints the shock of having too much soap in their Korean hotel rooms and FIFA's requirement that they play against foreign teams.

     Although the soccer players have no trade union to speak of, they made it seem as though they were part of a collective bargaining unit.

     "We demand that FIFA sit down with us at the bargaining table and listen to our demands," said injured French star Zinedine Zidane.  

     "Here in Korea, we are being treated with disrespect because we are French," he added. "They have stacked our hotel rooms with plenty of soap and deodorant. I mean, it is obvious they are doing all of this because they are jealous of our great success," the midfielder continued. "They are trying to weaken us by encouraging us to be clean and sweet smelling."

     The soap issue has caused many a sleepless night for some, according to goalie Fabien Barthez. "My wife was sobbing in her pillow the whole night when she saw the bars of soap in our bathroom. It kept me up, and I had to call a bellhop to come in and remove it all. Eventually, I had to call a bellhop to come in and remove her. It was an unfortunate situation."

     "That's nothing," adds defender Marcel Desailly. "My sheep grew more nervous than usual and began eating the covers," he lamented, without explanation.

     France's team was a favorite to reach the Cup finals, but those predictions are unlikely to come true, after the French loss to Senegal and tie with Uruguay.

     "Our poor performance is not our fault," says coach Roger Lemerre. "It is the result of FIFA officials conspiring against us and requiring that we play against foreigners. Foreigners are not worthy of playing against us!"

     Indeed, the French have reason to dislike foreigners, as they have shown a longstanding inability to compete with other nations - dating back to their failed colonization of Vietnam and, of course, the invasion of their country by Germans during World War II.

     "I am a Frenchman and, as such, have a right to play against sucky players raised in the same background as my own," demands Barthez.

     Most outside observers blame France's failures on the fact that its players are trained to run the field with their noses turned up in disgust at their opponents. The technique has stalled the French offense, and the team has demanded that all of its remaining matches be played against a Canadian national team made up of Quebec-born French-Canadians. Unfortunately, Canada's team did not qualify for the tournament.

     When asked what he thought the French would do next, one FIFA official said, "If history is a guide, nothing. They're just going to wait and see if the Americans decide to somehow bail them out."

Luscious Rosenbaum 


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