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NHL Announces 3-Game
Regular Season for 2003


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Issue #48

NHL Commissioner Gary Betteman announced today that, in an effort to improve television ratings, the League's season will be shortened drastically starting in 2003. Teams will play just 3 meaningless games each in the regular season. Then, all 32 clubs will take part in 8 rounds of best-of-seven playoff series, culminating with the Stanley Cup Finals.

The League also has plans to improve the public's perception of hockey. The ice at each arena will be cherry flavored in an effort to mask the sight of blood and to make player crashes more pleasant. Prior to games, defensemen will walk through the stands handing out teddy bears and safety helmets to children. And finally, to deter vicious hits, former Viet Cong officers will man the bamboo penalty cages, shouting "Me beat you long time," to the dismay of NHL tough guys.

Luscious Rosenbaum

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