Ramirez Slides Face-First
into Press Conference



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Issue #48

Grady Little says, "We're talking fundamentals, here."
BOSTON – Red Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez will be out 12-14 weeks following an ill-advised nose-first dive into a post-game press conference Tuesday.

     "Ay caramba!! Santa Maria!!!!," yelped Ramirez, as he got a running start from the right side of the stage and proceeded to slide 15 feet on his stomach with his legs in the air, ending with him smacking his face upside the podium.

     Ramirez then calmly fielded questions for 20 minutes from a throng of shell-shocked reporters, with blood and pieces of flesh trickling down the right side of his face.

     "It's a very unfortunate injury," said manager Grady Little.  "I just hope that this teaches all players the proper way to enter a press conference from now on is feet first, walk slowly, and talk to the reporters nicely without any Kamikaze-style ninja-jumping."  Added Little: "I mean, we're talking fundamentals here."

     Still, Ramirez sees the incident differently.

     "I do not see anything wrong with way I slide into hard, splintery box," said Ramirez, smiling and bloodied next to a lifesize poster of The Rock by his locker.  "When I come back, I do it again same way."  Ramirez also noted that he habitually slides eye-first into the optometrist's office, crotch-first into the bathroom, and mouth-first into his dinner table.

     Even though the Red Sox will be without their premier hitter who is leading the league with a .372 average, they remain undaunted in their attempt to maintain their league-leading record and, of course, stop the Yankees. Those temporary hopes lie with veteran replacement Rickey Henderson, 68.

     "Wait'll you see how I slide into that little Giambi boy," said Henderson, icing up both hamstrings and licking his chops.

Willy P. Ondabich is the official ball boy of Rickey Henderson.

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