Kournikova Suffers Career Threatening Injuries on Monaco Beach



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Issue #48

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"My nail, it hurts!" proclaims Anna.
     Anna Kournikova suffered a series of career threatening injuries while relaxing on a private Monaco beach. The Russian beauty broke her nail attempting to open a bottle of sun block and then suffered an uneven tan in her sleep -- all while recovering from a bout of split ends stemming from a curling iron incident. It is uncertain what toll the injuries will take upon her career as a spokeswoman for numerous different products and services, including Lycos.

     "Ms. Kournikova is emotionally shaken," said Dr. Francois Jones, Chief Surgeon at Monaco General Hospital. "There is really no certain prognosis until the nail begins healing and the tanned skin peels off," he explained to a flock of paparazzi.

     Kournikova herself has refused to appear in public. Sources close to the former beauty report that she is in shock. "She keeps crying and asking everyone ‘will the skin below my knees ever be the same color again?'" notes the source. "Then, when she tries to scratch an itch, she begins crying with pain."

     Marketing sources say this could be the end for Kournikova. "There are plenty of other blonde Russian girls waiting for their chance. I think their time may be here," said Ivana Tinkle, editor for Vogue magazine. "Anna's career is pretty much over in this business. There's only so long you can hawk all this stuff for. It was fun while it lasted."

     Kournikova's agent was vague and evasive when questioned about what impact the injuries may have on Anna's tennis career. "What tennis career?" he responded repeatedly to each reporter, with an annoyed and dumbfounded look on his face.

Luscious Rosenbaum is reportedly responsible for the discoloration of several non-Anna inspired pictures in Penthouse magazine.

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