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Issel Apologizes For Vocalizing True, Racist Feelings


Tues, Dec 25, 2001


Issue #29



DENVER, CO – Denver Nuggets' coach Dan Issel apologized at a luncheon meeting jam-packed with various Hispanic business leaders Wednesday for stating his true, racist feelings about all of them, a Denver news source has reported.

     "I am truly sorry for making this statement about Hispanics out loud," said Issel.  "My deep-seeded hatred for Mexicans was obviously never intended to be made public."

     Greeted by dozens of angry stares and twitching eyelids, Issel went on to state that "Loathing you people is something that I've always done secretly, not orally," and that "hey, you can just imagine how stupid I feel now, whoa Nelly.!"

     While most of the Hispanics in attendance seethed and created makeshift projectiles with their food, some of them actually seemed to react sympathetically to his admission.

     "I thought Dan Issel was being really sincere, and that's something I can appreciate," said a nonchalant Janette Gonzalez, President of the Denver Hispanic Chamber of Commerce.  "He really does hate us... but I really hate (white people), too.  So it's all good."

     "I believe Mr. Issel when he says that he did not mean what he said!" said Luis Manuela, also of the board.  "Oh wait--he really did mean what he said, didn't he?  Well fuck him, then."

     Issel concluded his speech by saying: "I will work hard to keep all of these fucked-up emotions bottled up inside, so that the next time I meet one of you dirty, stinking Mexicans, I will keep these emotions to myself."  Issel was then met by a barrage of lunchmeat and sharp silverware.

Willy P. Ondabich voted for The Mexican starring Dan Issel for Best Movie.

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